Under my previous username, I did some surveys and received some Diaryland notes.
And these are the surveys I've done as Footipoo, as well as the notes I've received (if any).
6:30 pm - December 12, 2016
Enough is enough 3
First of all, point to note: At this very minute of typing THIS paragraph, it's been over 3 hours from the actual happening, so my mood has already stabilised substantially. The “bad” thing is this entry thus won’t accurately reflect the angst I was feeling some 3.5 hours ago, but the “good” thing is it will be a more rational self-reflection on the happening.
The crux of the matter? I’ve put myself on the emotional roller coaster - AGAIN. It’s so damn frustrating. It has been about 3 months in the making, and through it all, the rational part of me occasionally pipes up, “What the hell are you doing? How can this lead to anything – who are you trying to kid?” and also warns, “You KNOW how this will end up, right? - you KNOW the frustration and stupidity you’re eventually going to feel when, in spite of yourself, you’re strapped on the emotional roller coaster ride and do daft things that actually affect no one except yourself, right?” But that voice is largely silenced / ignored by the part of me that’s happy to be in denial, to pretend everything is great in lala land. In summary? I walked into this with my eyes - wide - shut.
You know what? As I was writing the above, I decided to read some old entries here in which I KNOW I whined about the same damn thing (and that’s how I got to deciding that this entry’s title should – obviously – be “Enough is enough 3”), and I’m shaking my head as I read the old entries. I really WAS whining about the same damn thing; a lot of the things I wrote were exact descriptions of my frustrations now. And the scary thing is this latest episode seems to be “right on schedule” – it was about 5.5 years between “Enough is enough” and “Enough is enough 2”, and between the latter and today? You guessed it: 5.5 years. Goddamit. OK, look, to be honest, 5.5 years between emotional rollercoaster rides is a pretty good track record – some people have emotional ups and downs every few months, I guess? – but you’d think I would learn over the years? That I would mature? That I won’t exhibit the same emo traits, have the same moodiness, throw the same secret tantrums, take the same ridiculous actions, after a decade? But NOOOO. 10+ years on, I’m STILL the exact same person who tried so hard to convince herself, “He Doesn't Matter To Me That Much. He's Not Suited For Me Anyway. Get Over It.”
OK, let’s try to just summarise today’s trigger.
So I have a crush on a student. Let’s call him L. The crush escalated quickly because we have each other’s mobile numbers, and we do because he and another student and I formed a WhatsApp group out of necessity some 8 months ago when they volunteered for a school video that I was tasked to choreograph. By the time the video thing was over, he ended up in my Maths class in the new term, during which he seemed to be warming towards me, a few times staying back after class just to chat for hours. AND on top of that he and his friend had weekly dance lessons with me for over a month. By then, I was warming towards him (too?). Near the end of that term, he requested for access to an empty room for his group to do design work in their non-class hours, which I easily acceded to, and I stayed back late with them all but once, officially in the name of shielding them from being chased out by security, but in actual fact really simply just for him. Around the time of these late nights, our very-often WhatsApping started. There was no sexting of course, and I don’t think even any flirting (not that I’m aware of, and you know I’m oblivious to such things), but most of it was friendly banter/chat completely unrelated to school. Sometimes the back and forth went on for hours, sometimes up to the wee hours past 1am. The term after that (which is this term, now in Exam Week), I made a point of putting his class in my schedule, but while we didn’t have post-class chats, our texting continued very much unabated. And we even had dinner a few times, just the two of us. I even gave him priority invite to have dinner with me on my birthday (without telling him it was that) though he declined due to work deadlines; and when we did have dinner a few days later, I let on that the day of the rejected dinner was my birthday, and he exclaimed semi-regretfully several times, “You didn’t tell me!”
Anyone would say this is inappropriate. In my mind, I wave away that thought by reasoning that our “friendship” has never spurred me to mark unfairly. I think it’s pretty obvious to his classmates I’m playing favouritism, but like I said, I’ve always graded fairly. What else seems inappropriate, though? If the draft of his CV is to be believed, he’s born in 1995. Christ. But I can’t help myself because he seems to keep coming to me. Not coming ON to me, but coming to me. He reaches out to me as often as I do him, and with equal friendliness, with similar lack of reserve despite our “actual” roles in school.
Little things that made me think he has a crush on me too:
Signs that are obvious I am on one of those irrevocable crushes that would eventually frustrate me:
So. Today’s trigger.
*L with Cat on his right, their backs to me, already walking to the lifts, his right arm firmly enveloping her, she slightly “squished” against him.*
I immediately turned back to the rest and continued with banter, and at the next brief turn, I saw:
*L with his right arm draped over Cat’s right shoulder as they continued walking towards the lifts.*
And so here I am.
I muted our WhatsApp chat. Later on, when I saw that he had in fact replied, I archived the chat without actually opening to read it, especially since I could figure out from the message preview that he was replying about something schedule-related, not anything personal. Strangely, I had an urge to execute a choreography with wild abandon (Taemin's Sayonara Hitori), alone in a room, to loud music. It must have been a desire to throw myself into something just to take my mind off this.
After muting the chat, what I did next, oddly enough, was to spend over an hour reading on the Net about Scorpio jealousy. What started it was the constant thought that if this was his way of making me jealous, it was the wrong move. And I was curious to see if that was a typical Scorpio thought. By the time I’d read for an hour, I wasn’t nearly as frustrated as when I’d started. But I was also slightly concerned. Am I exhibiting typical Scorpio jealousy? Is that what my initial reaction is? Does that mean that there are many other people who WON’T have reacted that way? I found it hard to imagine that there would be people who, upon seeing someone they liked with his arm around someone else, would not immediately think dark thoughts, would just think, oh look at how they are such good friends and I’m not in the least concerned! But if there are such people, and they are the norm, then am I really prone to overreacting? To possessing? To dark jealousy? My frustration at the earlier sight was sort of overshadowed by self-doubt. And a part of me was starting to believe maybe it’s that – maybe they ARE such good friends and he’s just that close and comfy with her (and if the other girl was still here, they’d all be in a group hug, meh).
But there are two strongly opposing thoughts I can’t get my head around:
It’s driving me mad.
I’m really not annoyed at him. At the core of it all, I always thought this was futile anyway. He’s a 1995er, for fuck’s sake.
What I am, is – again – angry at myself for allowing this to happen to myself.
Why do I never fucking learn.
*holds head in hands*