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2:25 am - March 29, 2011 Week 12 Tease - but beware! It's been 3 years since the last entry. I guess nothing significant happened in all that time, nothing that needed ranting about here. I think 2008 and 2009 really did pass in a bland fashion. 2010 was a tad more interesting. Cousin Kim got married (I was English MC, mom was Cantonese MC). Grandpa died a week after (I meant to write about that, but didn't have the energy and patience to put it down in words, and then after a while, too much time had passed to make it worth the while to write about any more). Beginning of 2010, even before Cousin's marriage, I discovered Queerion, but more importantly, through her I discovered K-pop, and then soon after, took up K-pop MV dance classes, which is probably the most out-of-character thing I've ever done in my life (me? dance?!). Cheesy and possibly shallow as it might sound, K-pop has really been significant in my life because 1) it got me off my lazy ass in a way that Dad's kung-fu could never do; 2) it has firmly put music into my life - before K-pop it would have been true for me to say that I didn't "listen to music"; 3) it enlightened me on how I could get my hair cut in a more andro manner, which I've been wanting since L-Word; 4) it aroused in me an interest in picking up a new language (which is good brain stimulation, no?) - I have no plans to take any Hangul classes, but on my own I have learnt to read the characters, picked up random vocabulary, and fully intend to find out about the Korean grammar structure even if I do it very slowly; 5) it reinforced my interest in Asian males, though I'm not SO sure that it's a good thing I now like them on the other side of 30, haha. But that's not what I'm here to write about. I'm here to write about Jem. I THINK we started online chatting - first on Gmail Chat, then on (MSN) Messenger - in early 2008, and the chats have had increasing sexual overtones. I don't mean we were having cybersex or even overtly flirting online. It's more like jokingly talking about our colleagues (e.g. joking about orgies after Ped Meets, or about Jem's love for ID butch or FD Tinkerbell, etc) and his mentioning to me the torrid affairs with his exes, something he claims no one else knows in as much detail as I. In late 2009 (and I know the time frame because I checked the chat archives), I "came out" to him as an asexual, though it was in fact the first time (and thus far the ONLY time) I'd ever used that term on myself. I will never be able to know for sure if it was in some ways a self-fulfilling prophecy - in telling someone I am that (instead of just wondering to myself if I am), perhaps I became comfortable with the idea that I AM that. Overall, however, I think he revealed more about himself to me in our chats than I have about myself to him. And I've always thought of our chats as banter not to be taken seriously. So even when our jokingly talking sexually of our colleagues progressively spilled over into talk about him and me as opposed to just him and others (e.g. he might say that he would rather not see the FD matriarch dress in a certain way but it would be different if it were me), I took it to mean he did think I was attractive but all the talk was just part of our highly inappropriate but amusing banter and we were just enjoying pushing the boundaries of the inappropriateness of the chats. However, I think some time in 2010, Jem started revealing that he wasn't merely joking about finding me attractive, that he indeed has fantasies about me. In fact, I think I was still not taking him entirely seriously when he first started being more honest about his attraction for me. It's only now that I look back at our chat histories that I realise the weight of his words from a little further back than I had thought significant. That said, I have never flinched at anything he has ever said or shown to me online (and we only talk online; in person we hardly speak more than 5 sentences to each other and if we do it's only about work or very decent jokes or dry humour), so when I finally caught on that he really did fantasise about me, I didn't react any differently either, which I suppose is why it has come to the point now where he can speak plainly of watching me in the office and so on. On the other hand, he has not been explicit in HOW he fantasises about me and I suspect that is the one line we won't cross. And all this has led to... last week. Last week was Week 12, which is exam week, which means no lessons. The weekend before, we were chatting online (I think it was the most honest he ever was about his obsession with me) and he admitted he did wish he had me ("I do fantasize about it an inordinate amount," he said), and added, "perhaps one day I will not be your co-worker." ((Side note: It seems he doesn't realise I won't hook up with him NOT because he's my boss, not even because I'm not that interested in sex, but simply because He - Has - A Girlfriend. She knows he chats online with me quite a lot (though I don't know how much she knows about what our chats are like) but I doubt very much she'd be fine with his fucking me, but even if she were fine or even if she were interested in 3-somes, I'm not, because I don't trust myself to remain emotionally detached, which I would have to be if he had an official girlfriend who is not me.)) So anyway, when he said that about maybe one day not being "co-workers", I exaggerated horror and begged him not to ever quit. The truth is that he IS a good boss: supportive and easy-going. I can't imagine working under a better person, nor do I ever want to take over his position - I don't even feel I'm qualified and I would hate to have to do all the work he has to do for all the meetings with the bigwigs. AND I really hate new brooms. So since our conversations have already got to the stage where his attraction for me is out in the open between us, I made a deal with him, saying I would wear skirts and heels - his fetish - for all of Week 12 if he in turn promised to keep his job for as long as I worked there. I didn't explain myself much - if he thought part it was because I secretly felt an attraction for him too and enjoyed seeing him in the office, I didn't mind letting him think so, though I would truthfully say I'm not so much attracted to him as I am attracted to his attraction for me. I think of the skirts-and-heels deal as a bit of a joke too, for the obvious reason that if he really wanted to leave the company one day, who is anyone to stop him? And also because even before I suggested the deal, I had ALREADY planned to wear skirts all of that week, so it was in fact no extra effort or sacrifice on my part. And so... last week. I turned up in skirts and heels every day except the one day when I was to have a grill buffet dinner and so turned up in a loose denim dress and sandals instead. Online while seated at our own desks, we chatted inappropriately about his watching me. Offline, he watched me while I was fully aware of it. Again, I may not truly know the significance of this week for him, but for me, it was just a bit of flattering entertainment. Monday, I had almost-full-day exams, but he still got to see me in my get-up. Tuesday was the grill buffet day, but hey, I still wore a short dress. Wednesday I sat in on his afternoon exam in the Mac Lab, where I let him tell me (via SMS) where to sit so he could watch me while I played a game on my laptop for the entire length of the exam. Thursday I wore my pair of red-and-black-chequers pointy-headed heels which was so old its black plastic heels broke when I tried them on on Tuesday and so I had to send them to the cobbler's on Wednesday (and I TOLD him I'd done all this on the shoes solely for his Week 12 benefit). Friday I wore a short tight black top, short dark green skirt, black heels - his fetish - and agreed to go for lunch with him, Columbian MM lecturer, American oldie, and Canadian sky, which was a goodbye lunch for American oldie leaving for the Manila campus. Overall, while the dressing up wasn't much extra effort on my part, the going to his exam and joining them for lunch were consciously done to bask in his attention and tease him a little, even if I didn't let on that that was my intention (e.g. I stressed that I welcomed going to his exam because it allowed me to play a game on my laptop which I couldn't do while at my desk - but that's only half true because I could really just hide in a classroom ALL DAY and play all the same). Friday night, I went for a quick dinner outside, and SMS-ed that I would return to the office with cans of Coke for him and me which I said was my treat for all the compliments he had given me all week, adding, "Heck, I'll even put in on your desk personally." Again, me, flirting, teasing. I would say that prior to last week, nothing I had ever said in our online chats was conscious flirting on my part. I really always thought of it all as bantering. But last week was conscious flirting and teasing, brought on by his openness about his attraction for me, and the fun and freedom of a Week 12. As we drank our Cokes, we continued to chat online - that's how strange our relationship is. At one point, he asked if anyone was left in the office (there was; after his question, we both heard someone answering the office phone), then asked what we should do before our Friday ended. The latter question - coupled with the former question - made me pause a bit, for I wondered if he was actually waiting and hoping for me to suggest going to a classroom to fool around. But I didn't want to explore the possibility that he was thinking that, so I just said we should continue with our activities (work or otherwise) and half-joked that if he thought I was going to sit on his lap, he overestimated what a week of skirts could do to me. When I finally finished my Coke, I pointedly turned to waved at him, then left. But he didn't wave or nod as usual. Instead, he just looked at me with what seemed like a slight look of anguish. The intensity of the look made me think perhaps it was a bit less fun-and-games for him than it was for me, that it might not be so nice of me to tease or tempt him so. Oh, an additional realisation (from our chats) is that he may not be joking when he said he stays back in the evenings just to look at me, leaving only after *I* leave. It's all really flattering and quite enjoyable. HOWEVER... I'm starting to be a little concerned - for myself. By late last week, I found myself fantasising about him. If he were single, I wouldn't mind so much letting my mind wander. But because he's not, I'm worried that I'm starting to be lulled (yes, "lulled", which reflects a complacency on my part due to his unabashed attraction, not "lured", which implies my being a victim of his evil intentions) into actually being interested in him when he is in fact unavailable. I do NOT want to be emotionally drawn to him, to really have a crush on him, because then it would make me miserable every time he speaks of his girlfriend. It would be very damaging on my self-esteem to accept his attraction for me and yet see that he would never officially choose me over his girlfriend. If I really become emotionally involved like that, it would be so ironical because HE'S not even MY fetish! And so I am concerned. While I enjoy hearing him pine for glimpses of me, I really need to remind myself to keep an emotional distance. Or start dressing predominantly andro again. I swear, dressing femme does bad things to my head. I hate when I think like a girl. Ugh. 
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