11:30 pm - June 23, 2011

Enough is enough 2

Nearly a week ago (last Friday), Jem mentioned in an online chat (when else do we talk?) that there was something he had been meaning to tell me, but he was going to tell me on Monday instead. I didn't prod too much though I was extremely curious. I immediately said that if it was about him quitting, I wouldn't talk to him again (this is in reference to the Week 12 mentioned in the last blog entry), and then we bantered about that for a bit. I did ask if I would hate the news, and his reply was, "I really don't know." He joked that he would tell me when I dressed sexiest in choker and heels, but overall, nothing was revealed about what he meant to talk about.

On Saturday, I had my Inter Final Exam, and blew a fuse in the morning because parttimer-to-be-fulltimer had been a complete dufus and gave his Biz students the Final on Thursday so they came on Saturday for no reason. I ranted about this in CAPS to Jem and Kav on SMS. After that blew over (quite quickly), neither he nor I made any mention of whatever news he owed me on Monday.

When Monday came around, he made no sign of wanting to tell me anything. And bear in mind this is Week 12 Monday, meaning I had no lessons so there should have been plenty of opportunities for him. On Monday morning, however, I blew another fuse when I realised Dufus not only gave the Biz guys the exam early, he gave them his SELF-EDITED version, making it shorter - cutting out complete sections from Grammar & Vocab. That meant I had to re-write the Total Percentage formula for those students and also meant that the Finals were not even fair and equal between the Design and Biz guys. I had a mini meltdown. Anyway, to cut an unimportant story short, after a meeting between Jem, Dufus, and I (and after that, I had to seek Dufus out in the classroom where he was supposed to have make-up lessons which no students turned up for in order to re-clarify some things involving his inability to count), I finally patched up the huge mess he made. I also decided I really didn't like him much. But the point is, Jem still didn't tell me anything special. In fact, he left work early, disappearing with his work laptop before 4pm. I reasoned to myself that if he had postponed telling me on Friday, maybe he was waiting for a good time to give the news and perhaps he thought Monday wasn't good either because Dufus had ruined my morning. Maybe. It made me feel better about not being told yet.

Regarding the news, I was expecting one of two scenarios:
1) If it was work-related (his quitting? my being put up for Prog Coord? his being sent overseas to another campus for a term or more?), he would ask me to meet him in The Glass Room, where he would tell it to me.
2) If it wasn't work-related (his breaking up with his gf? his confession of not being able to get me out of his mind and truly wanting more than just being chat buds?) - and here I really keep telling myself not to get carried away imagining the possibility of these guesses - he might tell or SMS me to meet him at Starbucks, where he would somewhat awkwardly break the news.

If it was work-related, I honestly couldn't care less. If he really left, so be it. I may hate new brooms, but I don't think we'd die horrible deaths if we had no choice but to deal with one. If my name was put up for a promotion but it was unconfirmed (hence the private telling first, instead of simply announcing it), I wouldn't think of it as a big deal. I certainly don't think any work-related news would be bad (i.e. I highly doubt I am in line to be fired or laid off). Even if it was about my being passed over for a promotion and Kav or Rand were going to be ProgCoord, I still couldn't care less and might even be secretly glad for not being heaped the additional responsibilities.

But why my mind keeps going to back to the possibility that it is NOT work-related (or at least, not related to MY job though possibly related to HIS) is because of how he said there had been something he "has been meaning to tell me". And on Monday evening, when he'd already left work (early, remember?) and I was still at work, he popped up on GChat. We had our usual banter, and when I finally asked about his whereabouts, he said he was in a "remote location... i am still waiting on the thing I need to tell you the thing I want to tell you... i will be there tomorrow" And then very strangely, on the next line, he added "darling". We have NEVER used terms of endearment on each other - it would feel wrong to me; like I said, he has a gf - so this "darling" struck me as very odd. I glazed over it by simply saying it reminded me of bunnies because ZS always calls her Miffs "darlings", but he interjected with "hunny bunny". I didn't know what to make of the 2 sudden terms of endearment and just ignored him, sending him a link to a picture of Miffy instead.

Then Tuesday came. I actually donned a choker thinking MAYBE he was only half-joking that he would tell me the news only when I dressed up a bit. But... NOTHING! He left early (4ish?) again and still didn't tell me anything. Not even a hint that he WASN'T telling. It was as if he never mentioned that he had something to tell me. Kav mentioned that she saw him on Monday on a bus in the area of the large IKEA, looking somewhat lost, and getting off the bus at some heartlandish place. We joked that he might have a 2nd gf, but in my head, I was trying to guess what might take him there especially if he was looking lost.

I was starting to get annoyed, because the longer he took to tell me, the more time I had to think of different scenarios (Why was he at Alexandra? Did they really break up and he was already helping her move out? Or is HE moving? But why would that be of interest to me? Or have they suddenly married and have moved or are going furniture shopping? etc etc). Plus, the more time I had for my imagined scenarios, the more detailed I would script them (or those that interested me). And sometimes that is really not healthy. It is now Thursday night. In this almost-one-week, I have scripted several scenarios of his confessions of love for me. I have fantasised how being with him might change me. I have imagined normal dates (would they pale in comparison to our online chats?), meeting his friends (my not enjoying it and our laughing about that), having our own codewords, having disagreements, meeting my extended family (particularly Cousin Kim's husband, the only other angmoh). I have thought about how we are ultimately not suitable for each other even though we are so similar in character and some interests. In short, I have lived a small lifetime with him, all in a span of these past days, on the one hand enjoying the details, on the other reminding myself it is all unlikely to happen because his news will NOT be that he has broken up and instead wants me. It makes me feel pathetic just typing out an admission of what I have been imagining. Despite his not being MY fetish, in spite of myself, I let my emotions take flight, knowing full well the waxed wings will melt and I will finally plunge.

It doesn't help that I think I've been hormonally-charged these few days, simply because it's part of "the cycle". I suspect it has tinted all my thoughts about the matter - made the hopes sweeter, the wait more agonizing, the indignation of still not being told even greater than necessary, the potential disappointment at being told stupid boring news a bit more crushing.

Today, at 10.30am, when it was agreed that Kav, Rand, and I would go for fish-n-chips lunch, I SMSed Jem (he'd ALREADY LEFT the office with his laptop after only about an hour of being in!!!), asking him if he'd like to join us. He replied with thanks, saying he couldn't because he was at MOM "sorting out [his] life". I assumed this leaving early, being spotted at Alexander, and being at MOM, all had to do with his "news". Perhaps it is related to his job after all. My final guess was that he got his PR status. But again, how the heck is that remotely significant to me that he might want to tell me about it? Anyway, he didn't elaborate, and I was officially pissed enough to not ask. He returned to office at about 2ish pm and the rest of the day went on as per normal, meaning we didn't speak a word to each other until he left at 6.30pm, when he said, "See you" and I just waved. I had already decided to be officially pissed off about this when he came back to the office and STILL didn't indicate wanting to tell me anything, even when he had time to go for coffee and return laughing with VC fat newbie.

As of tomorrow, I will STOP waiting for his news. If I feel like it, I might even hide out in a classroom (plenty of things to do: game, or practise dance, or actual work) and imagine that even if he now WANTED to tell me his whatever news, he wouldn't know where to find me - because I would obviously not appear on online chat and wouldn't have my phone with me. I have played this sort of I-am-avoiding-you-even-if-you-may-in-fact-not-be-looking-for-me game with Wx in the past - I can see very clearly that I am repeating the same stubborn and pointless behaviour and I am fully aware that it is not healthy. That I have driven myself into this state further adds to my annoyance.

I hate when people appear excited about doing something with me, and then proceed to act like they never mentioned anything about it. Aussie Shirley is one such person and she was like that with computer games I mentioned to her - all, like, "This is so fun I want to buy and play with youuuu!!!" and then after that made no effort to get the games. Jem is now being exactly like this with his "news", news that he "has been meaning" to tell me, that he "needs" and "wants" to tell me. But then when we are in the same vicinity, he shows no hint of having any news at all. If he thinks I can remain curious and excited for a week, he is SORELY MISTAKEN. Even if he has legitimate reasons for postponing the news revelation, couldn't he have at least SAID something about waiting a bit longer?! I am now pissed off. I really don't care anymore if he's quitting or leaving the country; any such news would get a cordial oh-so-that's-the-news-well-good-luck reaction out of me. The only news that would cause me to reveal a hint of my annoyance of how I felt he stretched the wait too long was the scenario of his telling me he has broken up and wants me instead, in which case my first reaction would be, "Why did you have to wait a week?" I don't even know if I'd agree to trying out a relationship with him - I refuse to think THAT far ahead since I'm convinced this isn't the actual news anyway - but I will certainly not go, "Aww, I'm so touched." Any news will now be received with firstly a poker face and cordial voice, and then maybe after that, if asked why the poker face, switch to a black face and restrained voice.

What I hate most about this issue is that I have let myself go on another emotional roller coaster. AND HE IS NOT EVEN MY FETISH! I AM HIS! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! So this should not be affecting me like this! Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself.

previous / next